Learning to Speak

It isn't enough,

I need to be your skin

your blood, your territory

your words, I want to sit there

I want to be the air around you

and the places you rest

We look at eachother and

your skin becomes my skin

your blood heats mine

and so much passes between us

Silent and loud and passionate but calm

Suddenly words aren't necessary

But so cautious

On the surface of the water the

ripples are soft, and you would

never see the great calamity beneath

I open when you open

I close when you close

I show when you do

you look over at her, she's wearing her hair down, sitting on the bar stool next to you in a white tank top and staring at her tea like it wronged her. she made a face after taking a sip and lets you try it.

you secretly love it when she lets you take a sip of her drinks.

to you it tastes fine, but you make a face anyways to show mutual support.

she's wearing eyeliner again, just the wings, and for some reason it looks amazing on her...

why do we disappear?

you seemed so real for a moment

tangible, holdable.

its sometimes as though we never

existed. as though you never existed.

i'm not even sure that you did.

the memories are there but why do

they seem soft and faded? is it time?

is it loss of significance? did it never matter

even when it seemed to?

and, did i matter....to you?

did i matter at all.

or was i just, one of those ideas in your

head that you try so hard to grasp, but

you never can.

why do they never grasp me, i wonder.

why don't i feel realized.

i'm a raccoon on a roof.

covered in floof.

it’s been a long day.

my energy went poof.

i was trying to tan.

but along came a man.

said he had food, but when i came down to eat some,

he attacked me with can.

i think it is nice.

up here on this roof.

i am safe from the humans.

covered in floof.

we have never tried out this road

it was the melodies fault.

it was my throat's fault

it was it was it was it was it was

history.

my cup sits lonely on the counter

stronger tools for our precious tensions

watching me undress, now we're swapping clothes

words sounding familiar

we turn into a yes yes yes yes yes

music playing in the ca-are you watching us?

she is thinking something.

you're begging me not to skip over youuuuuuuu

you'll hear it from body language first.

I point my finger at the moon, it starts to spin and I smile,

remembering the movie. The stars are happy tonight. Air

seeps its way into my lungs and for the first time in a long

time, I breathe. Space and time stop, gravity quiets the

children who are playing in the Ozone, the planets turn to

face the stage, Saturn removes her headband from yoga,

Pluto jumps over into the seat beside her as Mars and Earth

join them. Venus rushes in, late as usual (a last minute shave),

sits with a sigh of relief to finally be on time. Mercury and

Jupiter follow suit. Neptune sits to the left of Saturn, it was

a tough day for Neptune and she needed some emotional

support. Uranus and Saturn had been fighting since the start

of time (impersonation debates) and Neptune was sad because

they all used to be best friends. Neptune was too polite to say

so, but she was glad Uranus didn’t show up. Another fight

would ruin the concert. Unlike usual theaters, the lights were

already dimmed and off completely. Sun was working sadly and

was too busy to see the show. I bring my finger down and Moon

stops spinning. I bring my hand up again and point at the stars,

who all gather with excitement in a circle. Closing my eyes, I take

another breath and let a song come to mind. But this time, no song

comes. What? I’m supposed to orchestrate the universe, and I can’t

think of a single song that would work? I look behind me. Saturn

shakes herself, don’t look at me, I don’t know, she seems to say.

I look at both of my hands now, pointed toward the empty stage in

front of me. No music. No song. How do you do this, then? The

galaxy looks at me and for some reason I have no response. “I wish-”

I start to say, but nothing follows. The audience looks at me and I

look back and I try not to cry, a tiny being in a space suit cannot

possibly do this. I wad up into a ball and cry anyways, the tears floating

slowly away. Saturn gets up and shuttles over to where I am, sinking into

the lightyear beside me. “Amature!” You’re an amature, Jamie, you’ll

always be an amature. Not professional. Not up there with the big dogs.

I cry and wrap my arms tighter around my knees, surrounded by my tears

now, the other planets starting to get angry as well. “Dammit, Jamie,

why can’t you ever remember shit? Start acting like an adult, you’re such a

little kid.” Even the moon looked disappointed in me. The stars followed

eachother to the other end of the sky, they wanted to perform again so badly

for the first time in a long time, and I ruined it for them. All because I couldn’t

think of a song. I wanted to show everybody that I could actually do this, I could

actually do something amazing, something I could be proud of.

my smile

talked to me

in the mirror

and it said

i was lying.

finally let it sink in that things have changed that I will cry. I will cry for a long time and I won't feel bad or upset or scared or lonely or worried or angry or regret or depressed. I will feel happy. Lucky to have a picture like that to cry about, to have people that I care for so much and love so deeply.