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Children Crying

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Death Tolls Rising

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The Sound of Boots

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On the Ground,

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With Their Forces Weak

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Out Comes Greed

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To Harass And Play

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Lands Is Taken

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Theres A Culture Breaking

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There's A Trail of Tears

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Listen Closely

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Their Voices Echo Through The Years

President Van Buren to Congress December 1838 shortly after Trail of Tears

"It affords me sincere pleasure to be able to apprise you of the entire removal of the Cherokee Nation of Indians to their new homes west of the Mississippi. The measures authorized by Congress at its last session, with a view to the long-standing controversy with them, have had the happiest effects".

Death doesn't have to be sad. Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Like a good book. If we live every day doing what our lives and the world puts in front of us with goodwill, passion, respect for the lives of others, optimism, and grace, then when we finally close our eyes we will be able to do so with a smile on our face. Without death, there is no beauty, no love, no next-level appreciation.

An example I like to think about is the one with the kid in the daycare. When he is in a daycare, he plays with his friends, does everything he wants, and enjoys himself. Then the mom comes and tells him it's time to go. She says "You have somewhere to be." His friends get sad and so does the kid. But even at a young age, the little one knows that he has to do what mom says because she is looking out for him. Mom knows best after all. So he waves goodbye to his friends, takes hold of his mom's hand, and with a smile leaves the daycare.

This is how death should be viewed. As us living in a huge daycare where we have the choice to do whatever we want. Enjoy yourself like a little one in daycare.

Then when it's time to leave with death, (the mother of your soul) you greet it warmly and with a smile. You're able to smile because you've enjoyed your time here and know you have somewhere else to be. Although that may be it, you know you've enjoyed your time here laughing, playing, and helping as many people as you can.

To leave hand in hand and with a smile when that time comes.

I was taught not to feel.

Supposedly it always gets in the way.

-Why are you bringing this up?

Because... What if I love to write?

But it brings up these memories...feelings... that I dont want to surface.

-What memories? What feelings? Havent you overcame them?

Perhaps. Idk.

Maybe theyve been pushed to the side.

I want to say forgotten but only for a moment.

Or maybe left behind but every now and then they gain speed and catch up to the present.

-Then fight. Run faster. You arent the first to go through your situations.

Where do I start?

Do I shove them back in their hole? Do I cover them up?

Should I just go outside and run it off?

Do I pick up the bottle like so many times Ive done before?

-No. The bottle is you being selfish. Remember before?

When the elxir pulled you by the strings?

Remember you couldnt feel?

You can feel now, cant you?

Im not sure. I know I can feel for others.

Thats why I served in the military.

I know I care for my dog

Thats why I always put money to the side. Just incase my Kurama gets sick and needs my help.

-So whats the problem?

This idea I always come to conflict with

....... Showing myself to others.

It is something I havent been able to do or maybe forgotten how.

I dont understand... Why?... How?

How can I make the fragile things known?

To expose my vulnerabilities.

For them to see me as I really am.

For them to know what makes me.

It will be their ammunition.

It will be their way to seduce or maim.

- You dont have to show the fragile part. Just show the surface. You have to learn to not be scared to get hurt. You have to know what it feels like to be loved and to love. Thats part of being human.

Just show the surface. True.

I can love others without letting them in right?

I mean... thats why Im training to be a firefighter

Because I dont want others to be hurt.

Especially if there is something I can do about it!

Its the right thing to do after all!

- Yes that is correct. Just the surface. However, eventually you will have to let some people in. Dont you want a family? Companionship? You cant have these things if youre not willing to do your part and share the fragile things.

Maybe.

I always accept the care from others and I am happy when they pray for me.

I always wish them the best.

However, I dont see myself with family or companionship at the moment.

Or maybe ever.

I always think..

What if something were to happen to the people I share a deep connection with?

- You would have to accept what happened and move on.

It would prevent me from being efficient in day to day tasks!

It would allow me to be hurt, injured.

It would hinder me from being of use to those in need!

-Then what do you choose!? A life of solitude and service!? Humans are not made to function this way!

Humans are made to help one another!

I am unable to do this if I am not properly grounded physically, emotionally and spiritually.

If my vulnerabilities are known or if vulnerabilities are forged through powerful connections I made to others then.... there is a way to make me stumble!

-The actions of others should not have an effect on you!

I agree. If I have control over my feelings and actions I will be ok.

The actions or feelings of others will not deter me from serving.

With that said, I still seek companionship.

The companionship I seek is from those who can help me become better physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Better to serve, to help, to care for the well being of others.

To be my best is accepting the help of others in order to serve my neighbors

Without letting them in.

I wonder what does it mean to be free?

I see on the news that we live in the home of the free because of the brave but...

why can’t I see mommy when I want to? She’s always at work, only to come home to cook and sleep. I don’t bother her because she always looks tired. To me, she’s not free but she is brave....

I wonder what does it mean to be smart?

I always see kids on their phones when taking a test looking for answers. When they get good grades the teacher calls them smart. I think with a phone anyone can be smart. I wonder if there was a time when we used our brains instead of our phones.

I wonder what does it mean to be brave?

I see heroes on the T.V always saving others. Why in real life everyone saves themselves and blames others?

Sometimes I do see people helping!

But it’s usually when there is a camera in front of them and the person receiving the gesture always looks uncomfortable. Perhaps he just doesn’t feel good.

I wonder what is love?

Mom always says she loves me but she also says she loves pizza and movies. Maybe love is just another way of saying like. I hear people say love all the time. That must be it!

Anyways, I always hear mommy say we are going to be alright even though everywhere I look no one smiles.

I mean they do but only after they take something. I don't know what it is. It's always different.

It's either in a little green bag or in some type of cup in their pockets. Afterward, they smile but I can tell they aren't the same anymore. I don't know how to explain it. It's like they're more distant and lost.

I wonder if there was a time people laughed without changing who they are.

I thought I had it figured out

there was strength in being alone

relationships held you back

they made you vulnerable, raw, exposed

they creep for weakness

intel can be used for an assault

eventually, you'll hold your chest

begging to make the pain stop

I see now these ties

forged over time

are the reason for my strength

because how can I be strong for myself when I rather choose to make it all end?

however, when I think of them, I can get up one more time

when I'm running on empty, I find reserves

because when I imagine someone who needs me

I have to answer the call.

just one more time.

time hurts

it is both agonizing and sweet,

wonderful and evil

I hate it when good things come to an end

moving on always hurts

it's tough and raw

uncomfortable and scary

I know its necessary but it still hurts

bittersweet are those moments when your friend has to leave

he's off to better things but you know you will miss him

the good times, the times you fought and suffered

it all exists in the memory

the past has my fun and the future has uncertainty and doubt

I can only wait to see how else things will change

The distance protected you while i was away

you hurt my other half, violated and betrayed her trust and mine

it must of felt good to give in to your body

used her while she was unconcious

it was all part of your plan

use our trust so you can cum

but now im back

i can do more now than cry while reading her messages

the distance protected you while i was away

but now im back and this is the finale

you can hide but not for your whole life

the time is here to pass on judgement

your life wont be taken

but youll wish it was

every second im alive youll wish you were dead

you were right though

it felt good to give into temptation

it felt good to see you crawling away from me

asking, pleading for me to stop hurting you

the blood on your face and on my knuckles i couldnt even see

all i saw was red when you tried to run away from me

you want me to stop but what about her!

shes scarred for life while you went home to your kids and wife

cousin whenever i see you.... run

because to me youre prey and im on the hunt.

over and over and over again

I look at you guys and see so many faces, futures and smiles. Smiles, smiles everywhere. You smile even though deep down youre crying. You smile even though youre hurt. You smile even when everyday is another battle. Youve survived natural disasters, disease, abandonment and most painful of all a broken heart. Many of you still have scars from that time or this time and some of you are anxiously awaiting for when that time comes. I assure you brothers and sisters no amount of time can arm you for what this chaotic world throws. Shes merciless, cruel and unforgiving. She'll strike you with the same hand used to feed you. Lift you high so you can fall, introduce you to love so it can present hate, anguish and betrayal. I've barely even scratched the surface of the dragon that eagerly awaits to burn us with its fiery wrath, and smack us with its powerful tail. The one who stands after all thats thrown is left with scars, disfigurement and a different pair of eyes worn by the same warriors who endured. If you are to get anything from my words I hope its this: Survive and endure. Wear your scars proud, share your suffering with others, allow to be carried when your legs give out, this world is to strong to be fighting alone. Smile when you taste dirt and become strong so you can tell your story proud.

He hides in plain sight

his pain is masked with laughter and his body is an escape

an escape from realitys grip on his throat

hes free when his back is sweating

he is in control of the pain

he knows its coming and he is prepared to be engulfed in it.

not like out there

out there you never know when its coming or how bad its gonna be

its a punch that will always leave you surprised

once youve experienced true lost the world isnt the same

it breaks my heart when i see

many people claiming they are in true love

this first true love warps their perception of the meaning

ive seen many whos first love was poison to their character and

demeaning to their morals

yet they were happy because they were in love

Ive met many whos first love was toxic but thats all theyve experienced

and thats all they chase. Their first love is on repeat with a different face

His first love was special but taken.

Taken by abuse and betrayal

he was thousands miles away

she was home at a party

his cousin got her drunk

she passed out

he enjoyed her, she woke up and screamed

and all he could do was read about it the next day

so he got up from his knees and went outside to where hes free

where he can get his back sweaty, heart racing and be prepared for the pain.

pain that will never surprise him.

pain that will help when he sees him

It got to the point where I felt something possess me. I dont know what it was but i knew i wasnt in control anymore. All i could do was listen. Finally have this thing thats been following all my life take control and no longer fight it. I feel relief and fear. Somehow i managed to cross the line doctors, counselors, friends and family warn you about. Its the final line where there is no going back. Where all you feel is sorrow, helplessness, pain and guilt. I find myself inside a bathroom outside the gas station. No where to sleep or do the deed so might as well do it here. As i walk inside my feet drag behind me like a lifeless puppet being pulled by strings. I close and lock the metal door behind me. Inside it smells of urine and cheap chlorox detergent. I reach for the gun in my pocket. It feels heavier than usual. I make sure the safety is off and without blinking and no emotion on my face i slowly raise the gun to my temple. I slowly start to pull the trigger back and close my eyes. Finally it ends here. No more pain......... Suddenly I feel my finger stop. I open my eyes and see the gun shaking. This feeling started at my finger then spread through to my hand, then to my arm and finally my whole body couldnt stop. Desperate and filled with anger because my body wouldnt listen to me i fall to my knees that splashes hints of left over urine over me. My whole body couldnt stop shaking. Confused and anxious tears started to form and run down my cheeks uncontrollably. I let out a small cry and hunch over the gun in my hands because i just cant hold it in anymore. Why? This was supposed to be quick. So why isnt it over? Why am i crying? Why? Why are my hands shaking uncontrollably? Why cant i feel anything but feel everything when i dont want to? I probably need to find a way to trick my body in order to get this done. So i wipe the tears out of my eyes and try again. I slowly raise the gun to my temple and instead of having my body take over i think of a time when i was happy. I let myself be submerged in this memory of long ago. I was with my dog at the park. She was chasing the birds and would jump into the lake when they would fly over it. She would then quickly run back out and dry herself off. and do the same thing all over again. She looks so happy today in the warm sunlight. I call out to her Biscuit!!! She barks and looks at me and starts to

My body hits the floor................................

I feel warm all over.....................................

All i can hear is my dogs bark slowly getting farther and farther away and nails scatching metal.