The most effective way

To lay out

Everything

To search

For anything

And successfully

Find the gaps,

The missing

Requirements

While maintaining

A higher

Position

My hands run through your soft dark hair

And my mind runs through the past two years.

It all seems like a wonderful blur,

Bits and pieces of our love

Flickering across my mind.

I kiss your forehead

And a small frown grows across your face.

With a quiet groan, you cuddle closer to my chest

And my heart goes aflutter.

How did I get so lucky to have you?

It won’t be long until morning,

So I hold you close

And take in this three am moment

Of pure, restless bliss

And count the seconds until I can see

Your precious eyes again.

In the summer, took my gun

and made him go to Neverland

Snatched my eyes, he made me run

for everything I never had

Breaths and whispers slither in like wacky poisoned funny sin

Rotten brain insanity

I question me now, thanks to you

So was it him? Or was it me,

who lashed and beat me black and blue?

What if I never met you?

What if the pain never happened?

What if we could've made it work?

What if I hadn't told you?

What if I hadn't loved you?

Would I have be friends with you? Would I have fallen again? Would I be sad? Would I have grown as a perosn? I may hate the feelings you implanted in my mind, the constant fear of getting close to people, but I want to thank you.

Thank you for teaching me how to get over it. How to come out stronger. How to look back on those memories with a foundness rather than extreme bitterness. Thank you for meeting me.

her apple eyes held contempt

for all the glaring gazes

holding her captive

through each phase

of her budding body

life under the looking glass

is not all it's cracked up to be

I opened my eyes

In a snap

Why was it freezing?

Was I losing my mind~

The bed was swaying &

Rocking from side to side

What in the world??

Slowly I made my way

Away from the bed and

Clos’r to the bedroom door

The knob was covered in

*gasps* Ice!? Whoa!

Was I dead— or in some

Other parallel universe?

Soon, I heard the sound

Of maniacal laughter

Then she appeared before

me grinning from ear to ear

She told me that I was

Her newest victim-

There was no place for

Me to go at all to hide..

I was trapped in her

Crazy world so very

Far away from home.

#Krystaline.

Righting, all my life,

Was the wrong thing now I find.

Writing my belief

But the words just left me blind.

Righting all their wrongs

With my writing wasn’t good

Wrong things still exist

Like you said they always would.

Fighting, all my life

Was the thing that made me blind.

Lighting up the strife

As my own life fell behind.

Ringing the wrong bells

Left me so misunderstood

Writing all the wrongs

Hasn’t done me any good.

I should have listened, instead went against better judgment.

Little did I know it would lead to unwanted events of a vicious tornado.

You came in and within moments time, you’d be gone leaving a destructive mess.

You would always resurface and maybe it was the empty promises that always lead me to letting you back in.

Over time, your lies became transparent and when you were called out, the demon living inside your head tried even harder to get smarter to keep up his façade.

With each passing moment it only got worse.

A wrenching game of emotional torture formed on a foundation of deception and lies that I allowed myself to sink in it all.

It was only when reality slapped me in my face when I was the center of your lies, so that your demon and you could continue to keep blinding everyone else.

Now, I know that the conflict between you and your demon is impossible to try and even stop. There’s no place for anyone in your life besides the creature that whispers in your head. Until he is dead and gone, your life will continue on this painful vicious cycle.

Emotions are a condunrum. So simple, but so so complicated; so human but alien when you really try to understand them. But as a writer, am I not supposed to have a better understanding of thinks like happiness, anger and loss? Am I not supposed to put the feeling of love and joy into words? Or make the reader feel hate and despair? I'm supposed to recreated the chemical reactions the brain does, but with words. I can use nouns, adjective and other simple describing words to bring a simple feeling on. But deep rooted hate? Or love so strong it feels like your heart might burst? How am I supposed to put that feeling into words.

An old english teacher of mine once said "You cannot write something, unless you have expiranced it first." Maybe that's why I've never been able to write some things. I've never felt unconditional love, or crippling despair. I've never been so overjoyed I couldn't speak. But I can drive people to tears with only a handful of sentences. I can make people see red with a paragraph. What does that say about me?

Am I a loveless, joyless mess? Does that make me a sociopath or just a monster? I've known happiness, I've known small bits of love. I just... I can't feel things as intensely as others do.

Can't or haven't? I don't know.

I guess for now I'll just say haven't. I'm young with more room to grow, more time to experience things like love. I could blame the people I live with. I've never felt love with them, just different lines of respect. And my friends... All my life I've never had a 'best friend' just different people who's fates wind with mine for a few months, then seperate. Friends become strangers, and I could blame them for my loveless life.

Maybe I'm just scared. Scared of things I dont really know. I know the basics, like happy, sad, mad, and respect. Love scares me; the idea of completely devoting my heart to someone is terrifying. Hate scares me too. I can't bear the idea of hating so much it makes me want to hurt someone. Complex emotions scared the hell out of me.

So, in the end, maybe I am just scared. Scared of experiencing hate, love, joy and loss. I can avoid them forever, which means soon I might understand them. But I can damn well try to hide from them. I can live with my heart and soul locked away.

#emotions #honest #confusion