I made it
I watch these talking apes running all over.
Every step has become a burden to their destination.
It’s sad because when they get there,
All they will feel is emptiness.
And maybe if they’re lucky
They will realize that the point was every step
It had nothing to do with the last one
Because when you take that last step,
Long ago I cut myself off from the world
Yet I feel more awake than ever
I dedicate my life to the path of light, to truth, freedom, love
My grandma died
I feel nothing
I saw my dad cry for the first time ever
As they zipped up his mother’s body and carried her out of her home for the last time
I felt something then, but not much
I was busy watching
All I had was interest
I watched everyone and how they behaved
How close everyone became to one another
For awhile without even needing any booze
I felt more love than I did sadness
I guess this all happened during a strange time in my life
Everyday I feel as though I need to preserve it
I feel as though I am myself dying
My body and mind seem to be on their way out
I don’t know how to share my pain
My dad doesn’t believe my struggles
My mom thinks its because I don’t eat animals
I stopped eating them because I was sick
Still I suffer, but it’s clear now that it’s not the lack of meat that’s causing my dis-ease
My dog he couldn’t live without me
He suffers as much as I do
Why is my life so goddamn strange
I just want to leave it all, my mind included
If I must, the body can go too
I just ask for peace
This world hurts
A wounded child expected to be a brave, hard working man
A man that is expected to ‘put himself out there’
To make something of this life
To wear a suit and tie for a job interview
To grab drinks with overworked coworkers and talk about the shit show of a week we just had
To forget about the mundane struggle for two days
To indulge in food, drinks, and television
This life doesn’t make sense to me
I don’t want to be part of it
Dad, he had contracted a disease as a child due to the lack of love he received. Real down about it, he evolved into a poor me. I’ve had it. I run up to him, looked him dead in the left eye, real deep into the void of the pupil.
You’ve got to love your fucking self
You’ve got to love your fucking self!
Over and over again
It struck a chord. I felt it doing something.
Something in him changed, not in the way I had anticipated.
You’re a maniac! He says.
I was backing away, shocked at this response.
My backing up let to my pet dog.
What are you going to do to Lincoln? Stay away from him! He says with all his might.
I’m nervous as hell, so I run to my room and gather my things. I’m out the door with tears coming out of me like a storm.
My Dad and I never got along. He’s always scared me, bothered me, annoyed me, judged me, manipulated me, insulted me, but I know he’s always loved me. Still I can’t trust him, and for that I can’t trust anybody.
Trip Report: Acid
Coming down now
Held a dying plant in my hands
I was enamored by its new leaves
Had sex with god
Made a new friend
Pee’d my pants a little
Became one with a mattress
Then thoughts trickled back in
Was shown all my phony bullshit
Made a new enemy
Holding that dying plant in my hands again
These green leaves look so damn beautiful right now
Someone once told me to let it go, let it grow
Nobody told me that, but it sounded profound so I wrote it
And music tastes really good right now
That I am lost
That I am confused
That I am unhappy
That I am small
That I am crazy
I have lost
I have seen too many things
That put me off these human beings
I want to love but only comes when I stop with all this seeking
I’m not special
And I don’t want to be
I wrestle with my ego
It takes so much out of me
Convincing me I’m evil
Are Mom and dad really proud of me?
I’m a dropout
A loner soul
Sometimes I’m not too fond of me
My health is out of whack
Everyday for years
My hope to ever feel better has washed away with my tears
That’s a lie
My pride doesn’t often let me cry
My challenges aren’t hard enough a voice repeats to me inside
Nothing interests me
Besides the pleasure from my plate
I sure forget I’m not the only one who ever makes mistakes
I’m sick of seeing differences finding others to blame
Instead I wish to Be the Oneness and know we’re all the same
A part of me has died
But yet with open eyes
I see I’m finally alive
Shit, I’m in a body right now
What even is this?
A mystery to me but I know that it’s a gift
It takes me on adventures
has a drama if it’s own
Others call it Danny
I call it Danny’s Show
My family and friends are confused
Sorta worried too
How can I put this into words
I have no god damn clue
Dannys on the front porch he’s been staring at the trees for like twenty minutes
Would you take me seriously if i said I was lost in bliss?
Or would you rather believe that I’ve completely lost my mind
Well that’s plan, but just not exactly in the way you see it
The mind to you’s reality
To me it’s more like a prison
I know this because I see you bite your nails and shake your leg
And I can also tell because I was once in that world
And I still fall into it today
But the moment I admitted I’ve been a slave to it all along
That’s when I began creating my own song.
How To Love?
How do I love when I was never taught how?
To attach to people and things I was taught well.
But never was I shown how to fall in love with myself and the world around me.
To live with such wonder as if I had just been born.
To dance to the miracle of life.
To sing to my soul, to let remind myself of the harmonic nature of things, the perfect song.
My breath has shown me love
Silence showed me love.
Acid showed me love.
A handful of mushrooms showed me love.
How is it so that fungi can teach me love but a highly intelligent species can’t?
Can I love them despite their hate?
Despite their pain?
Can I accept that they don’t even recognize their own hate, their own pain?
Can I accept that they only see it in me?
That I’m to blame?
Can I break this ancestral plague and begin a new way of life?
One of pure bliss
One of peace
I feel it inside me
The seed can grow if I water it.
My mind is plagued.
It shows me hate.
Now I feed what heals me.
No more feeding the hate.
I know how to love.
I just have to be strong enough to express it.
To be courageous enough to smile even when everyone else is buried in sorrow.
And to pull them out when they’re ready to live.
This is my destiny.
Nobody needed to teach me love, I’ve always known it.
I am here with you, somehow.
I am here in this servo-mechanical machine, with which I can explore and play.
I rest comfortably in a soft bed with a satisfied digestive system.
But these things don’t matter to my shadow.
My shadow looks at society with disgust.
My shadow surveys the concrete and metal, listens to the roaring highways, the angry honks, the dreadful silence of the people, feels the chronic tension from the fear of what’s next, the shame of what was, and the resistance of what is.
My shadow sees this and wants no part in it.
Yet my shadow feels the guilt of not playing this terrible game Man has developed.
My shadow doesn’t like this life.
Everything has become a job.
I must heal.
I must love.
I must enjoy.
I must smile.
I must be happy.
My shadow fantasizes a lot,
Dreams about being the only person on earth.
The animals, the trees, the fruits, the waters, and my shadow.
No human to kill and destroy these things.
They don’t deserve them.
Only my shadow understands the truth.
All one big happy family.
But humans, they can get lost.
My shadow resents them for how they make him feel.
Shadow wants to be free from the human race.
Shadow hears them tell him to be happy.
Shadow is happy, just not around them.
When does this game end?
My shadow wants to go home.
Please take me home.
This is not where i belong.