I ran toward you for so long
But I was running blind
Searching for something special
But it was only in my mind
I used "us" as a refuge
Instead of looking deep within
I felt that I was not enough
But that thought was the sin
I ran toward the artifice
I thought I’d claimed the prize
But a straw suit’s for a hollow man
And this one’s not my size
Your embrace was not the paradise
Curated in my head
This space was just another place
The hunger wasn’t fed
I realized that this was not
the succor that I sought
And wounded, dragged myself back up
To fight the care I’d bought
The purchase of a poisoned mind
Dry rotting from the lies
I had to scrape the dead weight out,
Allow myself to rise
I see now I didn’t need to run
I’ve already won the race
The thing that I’ve been looking for
Is not ANOTHER place
The piece that has been missing
Has been with me all along
It is a place within me
Not something for which to long
Because longing isn’t living
And fantasies aren’t real
And now my eyes are open,
I can really start to heal
Breathe life into my passions
And not pour into the past
My soul in all its fractions
Will be my chief repast
We only get this one life
And mine is very blessed
I will focus on the special things
That being me joy and rest
I’ll stop chasing the mirage now
That will always creep away
I’m standing up to take a bow
And doing this my way
And my way is a good way
With so many sites to see
New pleasures to discover
Celebrating being free
Free from this prison of my mind
Stepping out into the light
For now, my eyes have finally found
An authentic guiding light
I will live inside my womanhood
And cherish she within
And give away my girlish dreams
For they have worn too thin
To sustain my full-grown soul
And everything that’s me
I’ll run toward myself this time
Together we’ll be free
Under. Over.
You haunted my life for over a decade
More than ten years of my life
Uselessly dedicated to the imaginary pursuit
Of an impossible suitor
An obsession built on the lies I told myself
Our backstory, knitted together from scraps of kindness
In my head you were superman... prince charming … my savior
But in truth I was nothing to you
An acquaintance, a person of convenience
Nothing more
Not even a friend
I pined for you
I hollowed myself out to make room for our story
I lulled myself to sleep each night with tales of our love
Impossible, impractical, contrived
Never to truly see the light of day
I used these dreams as a pacifier
To quiet my anxious heart
And to face of the emptiness of my life
I chose this phantom sustenance over the simple meal before me
And grew sicker and weaker as I feasted on its nothingness
I breathed my life into this golem
And filled its veins with my blood
Even as it sucked the vitality from my marrow
Leaving me anemic and alone
I never imagined I would ever be confronted with the reality of it
Never dreamed that it could come to life
Not even for an instant
But then, one night it happened
Impossibly, my creature drew breath
And there you were wanting me
Instead of the other way around
The natural order of things was broken
And somehow, we were more alone together than apart
The illusion was shattered
There was no kindness, not even scraps
No romance in the story
No hope for the future
No substance at all
Just a meaningless series of events
In a universe filled with chaos
And now there is only one shred of order left in this crazy world
One last bit of logic to which I can ascribe and attest
And that is this:
Sometimes you have to get under someone before you can get over them.