The Man Who Cured Depression
Once upon a time, there was a man with conviction! He looked around him at all the sad sacks and whiny sops and pathetic worms and he was filled with disgust. He also felt a little sad for them. So, this man, this convictuous man, he put it upon himself to destroy the doldrums once and for all. He Spoke:
"I will destroy depression! Grr! The specter of sadness will plague society no longer! With the power of science I will change this world forever! I Freaking Love Science!!"
So, the man shut himself into his study for five long minutes, and when he emerged, he displayed the fruits of his labor for all to see. He Spoke:
"Kha-loo Kha-lay; what a glorious day!! I've procured the cure to cure depression once and for all. Now all you piteous wretches line up so I can administer my cure unto you! I Fricking Love Science!"
But the witless masses did not line up to receive their cure. They balked at their salvation! They had come to love their sadness. Caught up in their own tragic beauty, the thought of not bitching 24/7 made the bile in their stomachs curdle with rage and indignation. (Bile should not do that). They spoke:
"We hate you, Man with Conviction! You have over-stepped and threatened our very way of life! In your hubris, you failed to consider that if we really weren't resigned to our lives of misery, then we would've already taken a long walk off a short pier... and drowned! We love depression and whining and complaining and posting about it on social medias! You are a fool, The Man Who Cured Depression! Grah!"
And lo, did they pounce upon their enemy. This man of science let out a horrible howl. It was a howl of shock and betrayal. The mob ripped his arms and legs off, then they stacked all their hands together and, with the added strength bonus, they threw the cure for depression several kilometers into an active volcano. Finally, the Man Who Cured Depression was loaded into The Kill Cube. Thus did the cube enact it's vile nature upon the man.
EPILOGUE: Society remained depressed forevermore. Until the Sun blew up or an asteroid hit the Earth or they nuked each other into oblivion or some plagued killed them or they all long-walked off a short pier and drowned. I don't know what happened; I looked down at my phone for a couple centuries and when I looked back up they were all gone. I'm God, by the way. I love you :) Bye :))))