I’m trying to stay distracted
Keeping my mind busy
Or at least I’m trying to
Feeling like a fish pushing upriver- no one can see how hard I’m trying.
Just keep moving, just keep pushing,
Don’t think- just go, what’s next?
Is it dishes? Laundry? Mopping, dusting?
Cooking, baking? Nope, more faking.
I’m trying to stay distracted and I’m doing very well,
I don’t think that people who actually know me can even tell.
I’m trying to stay distracted because there’s too much on my mind, so I’ll just keep on looking out, and look for anything to find
Meeting you wasn’t easy.
In a matter of seconds my world flipped.
I decided to hide-it was easier than telling you the truth, my truth.
I watched the world chip away at your heart;
Giant pieces removed until there was no heart at all;
The weight of grief had turned it to a heavy ball.
I held the ball in my hands,
My love became too hot-
Metal burned again but I could not
I burned holes through myself as I wore it in my heart;
With every embrace another hole was bored showing more and more of my insides-
You can see through me now.
I don’t have anything to hide,
But I don’t want you to know that the holes you made in me have left me bleeding
There’s nothing I can do about it.
He was tired of waiting for me.
I didn’t make a decision.
And now I’m going to die at the hands of someone who loves me;
Weren’t we something?
Doesn’t what I felt matter?
Why could I feel everything you do?
Why does my heart still call out to the northeast and I cry in the west?
Why didn’t I just ask you to come rescue me?
If only I had known how much this would hurt.
You said you’d never leave again.
What happened to your promise?
No sleep for hours only tears.
Why does my heart bleed for you?
You said I hurt you
But if I had known it was going to
I would’ve never did the things you didn’t want me to.
Our hearts bleed together
Please stop doing this to us
Some message that I never sent because it became a song and flew away; the pain was too much to stay
You can question a whole bunch of things, whatever will make you feel better about the life you want to live; I’ve held my feelings back because I know that you’re a runner and I can’t just sit and give you a million reasons just to stay
I know that if I hold you and you long for holding tighter eventually you only go away
I wan the things that I can give to be enough for you
But I don’t see anything but pain from what I do
So I’m trying hard to walk away like you’ve asked me to
I’m doing hard to try, to get through every day
And do things the right way like you’ve asked me to
I don’t want to cry i don’t want to beg
Because I’m afraid that if I do
The more that I’ll try, the less that you’ll want
I’m I’ll be left standing without you
My heart is blue
I can’t undo
All that time has put us through
Was it me this time?
Or was it you?
Does it even matter if it’s true?
Would you even really care
Even if you were aware
Would you see how hard I’m trying
Or would you think that I’m just lying?
I climb a cliff to reach your hand
Then thrown back to the ledge again
I wish that I could trust it all
That you wouldn’t kill me in the fall
But I keep reaching for that hand
You say let go like I can land
It won’t be until you become strong
And lift me up where we belong
But you turn away so often now
That I can barely tell you how
This climb I’ve make has left me broken
And if I fall without words spoken
The I’ll be leaving you alone;
Wondering where I had gone.
So I’ll keep clinging to the edge;
Take back my hand until I’ve been fledged.
Fiddle me riddle me tittle me this:
If there is just pain is there something to miss?
Is there something to gain in a sweet reminisce?
All of this fodder has taken a spark
And the wick is run short and the battle will start
Not a battle of wits but a battle of spirit,
Courage and chaos both take space within it.
I found you, a rare and precious stone,
And I tried-begging God, for more strength from His throne
I don’t think you understood
Half of what was told to you.
I know I’m much too old for you
to show you something that is new.
I guess I’d have a couple words
But when I say them are they heard?
Because sometimes you act like what we have
Has hastily halted to what we had.
I know that you don’t understand
The way that life brought me the light;
Through fright, sheer pain, and disbelief,
I got pulled through the dark night.
And in the day these things remain.
I’m not somehow immune to pain.
Just because I brace when it comes
Instead of turning my back just to run
I tried to tell you that there are more,
I’ve met a few of us so far,
But all you see is me it’s true
Because you know that I love you.
I’ve said it before,
It slips off your tongue.
A poisonous song
that your victims hear sung,
In the moments before
the blood starts to run,
The darkness of war
in the dead heat of sun.
You stab without warning
When did this begin?
I thought we were
Wayfarers, lovers, and friends?
Why did you turn
to sink your blade in?
Was it just too easy
Because my skin is too thin?
What’s happened lately,
It’s brought us all stress.
And now onto me
you let your pressure press.
But I’m just to brittle
and this is too much distress.
So I’ll let you breakthrough
And fall into your mess.
Alone and surrounded
Is this paranoia?
Is this anxiety?
I can’t put a label on the things
That I feel inside of me.
Everywhere I see people stare
And they don’t realize that I see them care,
Because my mind and words can only scare,
How long can I ask them to stay there?
I can hardly live with the thoughts I have to face
When I feel them coming like a hurricane I brace
Myself against the wind of currents calling me insane.
Firmly in my stuck space; like a light I sit and burn