idek what to call this...
I know no one asked for this but I felt like it so deal with it :D
First of all, it took me a good solid minute to find the writing button and that's just embarrassing on me.
OMG, DO THEY HAVE A SPELL CHECK NOW?? FINALLY???!!?!??!?! The number of times I wanted to murder Grammarly for not working or having to copy and paste work from Microsoft word/google doc was disgusting *eye roll* (or is my computer finally just not being dumb and telling me when my spelling is wrong? Do y'all have spell check?)
I don't have a lot to say about the update as I feel like we've all had time to scope it out before they put it into action and honestly, I really like the fresh layout. Although I do wish that the left sidebar wasn't as compact, I do really like everything else.
Anyways, also a little update on my personal life. Things are still going rather roughly with my father's recovery and hard adjusting to not really... having a dad... I guess? I was always super close with my father and now, it's like I lost him 6/7 months ago and I don't know who's sitting across the table from me.
I also went through a little... relationship scuffle and it really opened my eyes to some emotions and feelings that I never knew I was capable of feeling. Although we fell apart mainly because of distance it was a good lesson/experience.
Not that any of that was important, it has played a part in why I've not been on the sight. There's been many things that keep piling on top of each other including my rapid decline of proper mental health. As you can guess, life is very stressful right now with school, my father, my family in general, life, my future ahead, and my own health issues that have been causing me difficulties.
I would like to say that I've been writing this whole time but I'd be lying... in fact, I can count on one hand the amount of times I've sat down and attempted to do so. The thing is, for me to write, I have to be in an emotionally vulnerable state and I'm not too comfy on allowing myself to go there right now. Although, I do occasionally have to let a little leak out less I explode from the pressure...aka my new poetry book called Love & Other Mood Swings which, if you would like to be tagged in, let me know.
I am pushing myself to get back at the old grind and hopefully I will get my spark back and be able to keep emptying my imagination onto the paper before. Thank you all for greeting me when I came back. I've missed all of you so much and I'm glad you didn't forget me :)
Until next time! -jj
soulmates? are you asking me if i believe in you? nothing weaker than fate could hold us like this for so many years. we hang in the almost, the inbetween, the 'i love you but i am too afraid to say it'. it's been so long, and maybe that's a good thing. now if the strings of maybe are cut and we fall, fall towards each other, then surely it's better that we can reference time with our love. 'i have always loved you i have alwayslovedyou ihavealwayslovedyou'. stronger, fiercer, slower than anything i've ever touched, immune to the swings and carousels of soul-kisses, of the fleeting moments. but fuck, i'm just a hopeless cynic. what would i know about the inbetween other than it's where i lie because i'm too scared to move.
it's all a little messed up in there. I envision a little me, trudging through a jungle and a desert, to reach a house in the middle. And there's no door; the welcome mat is a lie. The entrance is hidden with a button disguised as a stone to open it.
And there's a library. A music room. No bed, no kitchen. There's a little clerk that sorts out files and organizes books all day long. She's an old granny, forgetful and sometimes messes up the order, but that's okay. Music drifts out occasionally from next door but it never really stops. And the door to the room is locked; unable to be stopped.
At the end there's a basement. A set of stairs lead to a locked door, a vault if you will. Jars and tubs and containers of all sorts litter the place, filled to the brim with sadness and anger.
dark red (crimson) full version
The blood pools beneath our feet
And forms a river of death,
fumes of iron rise from the ground.
It flows and grows and comes from a seemingly endless source
And I kneel.
Cupping the life-giving liquid in my hands,
Let the destruction trickle through my fingers,
Printing the colour into my face and memory.
A white light sears its way into my eyes,
Time seems to stop and sets memories afloat,
I see roses withering on the counter top,
becaue the buyer never had enough time to care for them.
Another world drifts past my sight
so I snatch it out of the void,
a dripping crystal sits on a hand
with the screams of dying men
Perhaps there is a better thought
I grasp at wind-blown straws
Like the blooming of anemones
but behind there's a story untold
Then reality clocks in,
Because all rivers run out sometime,
bringing my hopes and dreams with him.
And it only takes three minutes until the boy is run dry,
Soulless eyes staring blankly at the sky
And the battle rages on.
With the dust painting the world,
mourning a lost soul.
I’ve known about your existence since forever.
You never remembered that I existed.
But it was fine because I didn’t care. We never talked, and we didn’t need to.
Until we talked.
It clicked, you know? So many similarities fit into us, and conversation flowing smoother than water through your fingers.
The heartburn started. And then the tiredness but the boost of energy, the lack of my usual negativity.
I let you in, whereas it has taken others years to get to where you are in my heart now.
The fact that you’ve taught me what love is again and asked me to believe in soulmates.
And you got hurt today. I was so worried, much more concerned than I should have been.
It took me five days to fall in love with you. And you would never fall as fast as I did, not that you would ever choose me.
And now I’m left grasping at straws, little pieces of conversation, a desperate attempt to keep you and know more about you but.
Your heart belongs to another, while you unknowingly took my heart with you. I think I was always meant to be yours, but you weren’t destined to be mine.
I lost my soulmate before we even had a chance to begin.
Okay... some people may still be in school... but like... I just got out and I feel so sad... I'm moving on to highschool, but I had a lot of really good memories in J.H... I'm also really gonna miss some of my teachers. So yeah, I know a few people who got out today and are moving onto highschool too. How do you guys feel about it.
in a room that reeks of death
a little girl sits alone
blade clutched in a trembling hand,
knuckles white as bone.
blood runs red accross the floor
but she doesn’t feel a thing.
a princess does as she is asked,
and she was asked to please the king.
Here is the original (my first piece on prose):
beasts of all
the giants walked past
on legs taller than trees.
they had no heads
for they were too far to see.
we huddled in our town
smaller than ants.
our prayers whispered
through fearful chants
it was curious, i found,
how the giants moved on.
heedless of the many lives
below the watercolor dawn
and i was brought to wonder
just what they were fleeing
from. because if we cower before
these monstrous beings
what, then, would send them retreating?