She Doesn’t Know.
I know a secret she doesn't know. He made me promise not to say what he did, in fear of my best friend's heartache. I know what I saw and I don't know if I should say. Perhaps more than he, I don't want her to fall, to drown in pain and feel misused, betrayed. If he cared about her heart and about her at all he wouldn't make me promise not to say. He wouldn't have to because there would be nothing to say.
Yet, how could I say it and see through her eyes her entire world crumble? How could I be the one to crash the hammer against the beautiful home she built? She shouldn't be with someone who feeds their selfish desires in unspeakable ways while she walks a path of flowers adorned with selflessness and purity. But should I say it? Should I be the one to shatter the glass? It wasn't me who betrayed her, but him.
To keep a secret or to say it. To keep the secret to preserve her heart just a little longer. To say it to pull her away from someone who lies and cheats.
What is It
Bright and illuminating it wakes us,
Beckons us with chimes and dings.
Names only belong to numbers.
Endless twists and turns in the roads
Paved with memories captured falsly.
Our pockets are light yet heavy
Burdened by the cravings.
But we leave unsatisfied
With what see and what we feel
What we wish was ours
What we know cannot be ours.
When tragedy strikes,
When lust desires to be fed,
When joy needs to be shared,
When the world around moves slowly
We turn to what can please
Yet cannot fulfill.
Everyday it's again and again,
We return to the place where
Our obessession knows no ends.
PM to the AM
Outside the stars twinkle and gleam. Inside, the house is at rest, peace finally settling the dust. The clock ticks through the PM into the AM. All that I hear is the clicking of the keyboard and Netflix playing softly. Ideas spill out onto my page, like a fierce river shattering a dam in its wake. My book comes alive within me. The world beyond my room doesn't exist. All the pain and dissapointment of the daylight hours washes away. Even the silly, smile inducing moments of the day fade. The only thing that matters is letters jumbled together to create something wonderful. This is what makes me happy.
I have cried.
I have tried.
I have longed.
I have asked.
I have to see you.
I have to hear you.
I have to love you.
I have to hold you.
Is it too much
For me to plea,
To call out
For your attention?
It is always,
Open your eyes.
See me now.
Hear me now.
You will wish
You loved me
And held me
In all the ways
I did for you.
I know you don't want to see
Because you never do wrong.
You are wrong.
I am more,
Than you valued me.
Watch me walk out.
Because I no longer want you
To see me.
To hear me.
To love me.
To hold me.
What am I doing?
Tears fill my heart, but I don't have enough strength or courage to let them roll down my face. Everyday I continue to make stupid choices. Everyday I go against what my true self is saying is wrong. I can feel my soul, what is it doing?
Lie. Lie. Lie.
Choices. Choices. Choices.
Who am I to be such a fool? Do I even have the right to be this way? Probably not. Yet, here I am.
"Take a break." I can hear a whisper from a voice that used to be so strong and evident. Now it's being pushed back.
I know someday that I'll break down. The tears will feel like a burn in my eyes and leave ghastly stains on my cheeks. That headache will rumble on because I won't have control to stop.
All I can seem to think about is not to lose myself. Although it already feels as if pieces of me are gone.
"Make good choices." I always tell my older brother.
He always says back, "make smart choices."
Yeah, maybe I'll try that.
You Hit the Breaks
I don’t understand, why did you give up so easily on us? In the beginning of it all I was so skeptical. I asked if this was a waste of time, if this would work out. You assured me countless times that you wanted me, wanted to be with me. For awhile I didn’t let myself fully into your arms, because something was telling me that it wasn’t going to work. Yet I ignored my instincts and all the signs. I fell so fucking hard for you as you started to stand back up from falling for me.
It ended so fast. We were driving at the speed of 80 miles per hour when you slammed the breaks. Then I opened the door as you started to drive again, only 10 miles per hour.
You asked to be friends, I said I couldn’t, because I want you more than as a friend. Then only a day went by without talking to you, and I couldn’t handle it. I cried so hard and couldn’t sleep.
Then I realized, I had to fight. If you want something in life, you have to give it your all, no matter what. So I texted you. I do not regret that.
You said that you can’t not be friends with me, that you can’t let go of someone you talk to non stop. I called you. You were crying. You said you lost most of the feelings, but you cried over me. Your friends told me you were really into me, then suddenly it stops? That doesn’t happen. It’s not normal. Is it?
Yesterday I said I wanted to be friends. Because I can’t not talk to you. It destroys me. And maybe, just maybe, I’m stupid with this hope that someday we’ll make it. It’ll be the right time for both of us. Right now, however, I realize, that we both are not ready for each other. As sad as it is, it’s true.
I can’t let you go quite yet, and I hope you can’t let me go, either. Man, the heart is stupid. Love is a wicked game to play.
I don't understand my feelings for you. You make my heart melt with simple text messages and compliments that I never thought I'd recieve anytime soon. You like me, is what you tell me. We talk late every single night and talk throughout the days. Not a single day for the past month have we not spoken to another. You show me in so many ways that you care about me. You make a list of everything I like or dislike, and when I asked why you do this, you said: "you're important to me, and what's important to you is important to me." My friends say I'm lucky and they are in awe of our relationship that has yet to have a label. Because we haven't had our official first date. That's annoying. But we live an hour apart and our first kiss was so fucking awkward because I am awkward as hell. But you are not, and I don't know how to act. You wanna know everything about me and you want me to tell you every single thing. I annoy you when I don't tell you things, I can see it in your face, but in a strange way, I like keeping you on your toes. You like me, a lot. Two of your closests friends have told me on different occasions, and quite a bit, that you like me a lot.
Even though I know you like me, I am so fucking scared. I'm scared about what's to come. If we will be together, because we both have dreams and aspirations quite different from another. I want to go live far away from my homeplace, but you want to stay and be close to family. That's absolutely great. But for me, I know where I'm meant to go. Are you meant to be there, with me? Are we meant to go wherever our feet lead? You know, I don't know how to act around you. I'm nervous as heck and awkward, you're not though. I've never had someone like you before in my life. It is so terrifying, but in a good way. You stress me out, because you're hot as hell and you tell me stories of girls around you. But you call me beautiful when all I see in the mirror is a fat potato. And in all honesty, I think my best friend has even the slightest small crush on you. You guys talk probably as frequently as we do. It scares me.
I am so fucking scared, it's funny but not.
Well, I'm excited to see where my life will go, because so far, I want to keep going with you.
Steadfast in His Arms
I have you. Rest your eyes, because I hold you tightly in My arms. My weary child, know that tomorrow will come and bring a brighter sun with it, all you need is to trust Me. I do not say things lightly and without cause, I mean these words. My word is law. And you, My beloved and precious, will make it exactly where you need to be. Yes, right now the waves of the world are holding you down, but know, I will never, EVER let you drown. You will emerge from this stronger than before. And you've made it thus far, keep going. I am ahead of you, I know where your feet will land next and what the end of the path holds for you. Do not be afraid, for I love you with all My heart.