You forgot my name

Calling out women until you got it right

One of them was your old flame

But it would be wrong of me to bite

You forgot my birthday

And went out with your ex

Much to my dismay

Were seen kissing at the multiplex

You forgot all the things I said

Not once or twice, but three or four

Then you spent the evening in the shed

Because I locked the door

Then I forgot where I put the key

Honestly, I searched everywhere

In-between dinner and tea

But no longer had the time to spare

I forgot about you as days went by

I never went down there

Unnerved by the strange cry

It's not that I didn't care

I forgot about you in the shed

When the demolition began

I thought the screams were in my head

Burying you alive was never my plan

I’m not a control freak, I just want you to clean the crumbs off the floor after you’ve made a sandwich. And if you could reseal the bread and put the butter-stained knife in the sink, that would be good too. I don’t even understand how you manage to line the entire kitchen floor with breadcrumbs. Is this some weird Hansel and Gretel parody that you’re trying out?

I’m not a control freak, really, but can you wipe the bathroom floor after you’ve gotten out of the bath. I know the local swimming pool closed down, but you don’t need to do a recreation of how it used to look. I can’t even swim. While we’re on the subject on the bathroom, can you wipe the toilet and surrounded floor area after you’ve finished doing your business? Better yet, get a better aim.

I really don’t think I’m a control freak, but I would love it if you didn’t come home and put all your bags on the bed. I’ve seen you put them down on the floor outside; the same floor covered in mud and people’s spit. If I wanted those germs on the bed I’d take the duvet outside and drag it across the floor myself, but I suppose you’d think that was a strange thing to do.

I have to insist it’s not me being a control freak, when I ask to cover your mouth when you sneeze. As much as I love you, I have no desire to be covered in your bodily fluids.

I AM NOT A CONTROL FREAK!