When the sky was falling,

When the tides were rising,

When the moon was red,

I gazed and gazed and gazed.

What could possibly destroy the world in me like that?

When the ground was shaking,

When trees fell,

When windows shattered and ripped my heart,

I gazed and gazed and gazed.

And I saw the reason for all this—

You were there, three meters away from me,

Our eyes locked to each other,

Our breathing synced,

Two worlds wanting to unite,

Two worlds crumbling.

And as I was walking in the workplace, I felt it again...

I felt the pull this place has, I felt its grip in my mind and in my heart. I was getting pulled into the darkness here and I had to make a decision. I couldn't just "wait this one out"—I already spent 2 years here...

This job saved me 2 years ago, gave me hope, gave me the required power to work on myself, to treasure every hour I have. I had to learn it through hardship and through the struggle of a never-ending cycle of work/home/university and repeat.

I kept calling myself "an artist." I thought that as time passed, I’d make more art and make a living out of it. I was wrong.

Truth is, I never treasured my free time before—I thought it would never end. I kept delaying making art and crafting something for the "right time," but it never came, and that poisoned my soul and my heart. I didn’t have the courage to set that dream as a priority anymore. I was 20 and I had to work.

So I'm here now, two years later, on the brink of making the biggest decision of my life:

Do I quit the job? The safe place, with a decent salary—for that dream?

Do I take a leap of faith toward the vision that only me, myself, and I can see?

Do I try to not have regret for the future?

I thought when this day comes, the answer would be very quick and simple, but no...

It’s been two weeks and I haven’t decided yet, but the thought of that dream has clouded my comfort in this place. I can’t bear it anymore. I count seconds, hours, days, and hope for the fire in me to reignite once again...

But doubt is suffocating me...

There are voices in my head that tell me, “You have 2 hours of free time every day, why don’t you use that? Because you’re lying. To yourself, to your family, to your dreams. You don’t want more time to work on your craft—you want to escape.”

And they’re right. Maybe if I really wanted it, I would've used every second of free time I had every day. But crafting is hard. Making art is hard. Writing, designing, and... it takes all of your soul. And when the soul bottle is empty, there is nothing to regain from.

Six customers came in while I was in the middle of writing this. As a shopkeeper, I owe it to them and to myself to give my 100% every time someone walks into that door—to give them my full attention, to help them as much as I can, and make them leave with a smile on their face. And I’m blessed to hear their commendations to my boss and myself. And I know I’ll be missed when I’m gone from here. And I know I gave it my all when I was working.

But when they leave, my smile fades. That ache in my heart grows bigger and darker, and I have no choice but to fight it or try to run away...

I’ve always loved Spider-Man. I wanted to be him. But I never thought I’d be Peter Parker.

I take a sip of my tea, the cup shakes on the edge of the window. The train sounds the same, singing the same song it sings when running towards its destination. The train sound, the sound of a cup shaking, a small vibration on my shoulder as I leaned on the wall told me that this was needed.

I get up to go walk a little and check the scenery closer. Are the trees still naked? Are the houses closed? Are the birds racing each other to get to their new home?

I make sure that the ticket is in my pocket. 

"One-way ticket to Neverland"

Where was I going? I can't really tell.

Did I want to get a one-way ticket? I don't think so.

Did I have a choice? Probably not.

Why did I decide to leave? ...

I see another passenger looking outside, her hair a natural dark brown. Her eyes are mysterious. Her smile warms.

She looks at me with a familiar smile. A warm breeze hits my chest.

What do I do now? 

Do I repeat what I did that brought me here? To neverland?

Will this train ever reach its destination?

Is any of this real?

As the train enters the tunnel, everything gets dark,

No vision.

No sound.

Only the sound of the cup breaking.

Leave me to It.

Leave me to the painless night,

Leave me to the grey clouds that roam the lovers worlds,

Leave me to my hopeless smile.

Dump my heart on that cliff outside your hometown,

Burn our past with the your doubt's fire,

Spit on my half burnt face as you drink my love for yourself.

Cry for me as you leave me to your past,

Regret your decision of not wanting to see me anymore

Shout at god for your own doing.

Wake up from it all.

My number from your phone, gone.

My love for you, faded.

Wouldn't I have been enough for you?

Was I not different than others for you?

All remains are questions that will never be answered.

A collection of works published for you, stuck In the past,

unread, unseen, unheard.

To take a rest or to suffer without one,

That's the question.

I wish it was easy to refill the bottle of soul that's inside us,

To keep writing,

To keep making memories,

To keep smiling,

And to keep dreaming.

But everything comes at a price in life.

To take some time away from all of it,

Dreams,

Art,

People,

Uncreated memories,

The outcome varies.

You might get what you want from it.

But you might also lose things when you're trying to shut your soul down to rest.

People might leave you.

Dreams will fade.

Skills might damage.

But there might also be a dim light once you refill that bottle,

Your change in perspective can help you create more and better things.

Your calm after surviving the inner storm will help you in your relationship with the people around you.

And that dream that is so, so far might just be reachable.

To take a rest or to suffer without one,

A gamble every human takes,

For the never-ending journey of a human

Until a new one begins,

When we shut our eyes forever in this life,

And wait for the memories to play.

In the end,

Was it worth it,

To fall In the boundless sky of love?

To touch the clouds of joy?

Or to remain thirsty in the desert of regret?

To put the hot sands of anger in your mouth,

Burning you from the inside?

And the time was passing,

In the wooden cabin of his heart,

The distance they had was burning it,

The desire to express their love.

Will the house endure?

Will the excitement to connect remain?

For the time can be cruel,

And twist feelings to one another.

As he landed on the moon,

He remembered all his trainings.

He spent years preparing for this moment,

First steps on the new planet was the hardest part.

But something was pulling him harder than the gravity here.

A pair of dark brown eyes,

A beautiful and pure smile,

He remembered all his training,

But he also remembered her smile

He looked at earth,

Hoping that she was looking at him as well.

Thousands stars away,

A pair of heart was beating in sync,

Waiting to be reunited again.

I wanted to find myself,

I tried to look for answers everywhere,

I looked at the stars,

At the endless ocean,

At the hour of solitude In the autumn evening,

At the joy In the colorful metals,

I found none.

I forgot that it was all here,

In my heart,

In my soul,

In my mind,

It was all In me.

To love Is to tolerate

Like a mother tolerates her kids,

Like a gardener tolerates his flowers thorns,

Like a dog tolerates not getting treat every 5 minute,

Like the sun tolerates moon's absence,

Like the moon waits to guard the sun while she sleeps.